Discussion in 'The Hens' Nest' started by Scout, Jul 11, 2014.
Ugh. I would seriously consider hiding under my bed.
I was so pissed, I went out to the backyard and started picking up sticks so we could mow the lawn.
What kind of boundaries have worked?
Our biggest boundary right now is my husband's sister. We will not be around her. Estrada's parents begged us to go to a family event and we said no. It's a long story. My husband said no, and that's that.
The other is when we lived in Texas. They used to beg us to come home. And we would need to be like "we aren't talking about this anymore, we live where we live." Same story about us eloping, they bring it up and it's been 4 damn years.
Basically, we cut them off, decline events, and they get the hint and stop asking or talking about it.
A's family also needs a very firm strong line drawn. The biggest thing right now is we live 8 hours away and they expected us to visit every other weekend. HAHAHAHA. No. We are visiting once next month as a compromise, but skipped two family events earlier this summer. Then, his parents are coming for Thanksgiving and we will visit the whole extended family for New Years. The only reason we are visiting at all this summer really is to see A's grandparents who are the nicest most wonderful people ever. I let A set all of the lines for his family but honestly if it were up to him we would be seeing them at New Years and nothing else so I asked him to compromise to minimize potential drama because if we don't visit its me the evil wifes fault and A understands I can't deal with that.
Wanna hear something uber fucked up? Hopefully this makes you feel better. A's parents paid for 50% of his two older brothers educations. They both went to 50k a year private schools. A wanted to go where his oldest brother went and his parents said okay we will help you out the same as your brother. With scholarships and some aid A assumed he would be taking on about 20k in student debt. Our senior year of college A asked I check something in his Finacial Aid account for him. This is how I discovered A had about 100k in student debt, and his parents had paid nothing. They had signed him up for high interest private loans and their credit was so bad they had his grandparents cosign, and then signed As name. Yep. A confronted his parents and they confessed and apologized and said they didn't have any money to help him for school but felt bad. A explained if they were honest he would have chosen an in state school for significantly less. Pissed. I would have cut my parents off then and there. A was angry but his mom cried and he felt bad and let it go. A's mom was bragging to a relative about paying for all of her children's colleges and A had to confront her. She STILL years later does this and he has to call her out. His parents treat his oldest brother (who is an asshole by everyones admission) like a golden child, and his middle brother is spoiled beyond belief. They always say they gave up by the third kid. It takes a LOT to cope with all of that sometimes, but A wants to forgive and forget and ultimately that is A's choice because its his family so I defer to him.
ETA: Oh yea the whole fucking point of that was, its his family, so let him establish clear guidelines and boundaries. They have no control or hold over you life anymore, you are both adults, so if they want to act like children let them. Its hard at first but they will get it if you stick to your guns.
Thanks for sharing this--it DOES make me feel better. I'm going to have T read this thread. No sense in letting them create drama in our lives, but it's ultimately up to him.
Holy shit whatchya... what a bunch of assholes. Poor A, his family doesn't deserve him. His mom cried and felt bad? Clearly not bad enough if she's still lying about it. And did she think A would just never find out?
Yea, they don't even pretend to hide the bias for each of their children from anyone, and seriously years later and she won't give it up. A feels like their his parents so he can't stay angry with them because they kept a roof over his head and gave him a good childhood. They were going to tell him when the first payment was due, which was a super good plan
So giving him an adequate childhood means they can fuck him over completely as he starts adulthood. Makes sense! Sorry, I'm just so angry on behalf of you and A!!
That's ballsy. "Congratulations on your graduation! Oh, by the way, you have a six-figure debt to pay off. Better get a job in the next 30 days!"
D is the eldest, but he's always been very independent. His younger brother is as needy as D is self-sufficient, though, so it's one of those "squeaky wheel gets the oil" situations. Only his parents are squeaky wheels too, so they see D's autonomy as a flaw rather than a strength. It's a weird dynamic at times. They've actively discouraged his success, and at times, sabotaged it. His parents have signed his name on loans too, so he can commiserate with A.
BLT, that's terrible. I'm so sad for T. On the upside, it'll be a much more pleasant and enjoyable dinner with just the two of you.
Whatchya, holy friggin shit! I admire A's forgiving nature because that is not something I would be able to just let be with my parents. I'm furious on his behalf. That's ridiculous.
Back when I was in college, I had my banking stuff sent to my parents' house because I figured that was safer than to my dorm or apartment. Man I was so wrong. My mom had apparently gotten into the habit of putting my credit card information down whenever she wanted to do one of those free for a month trial deals then just cancel before the month was over. Well one time, she forgot to cancel, and I got billed. Unfortunately, since it was an emergency only card (for me), I was not expecting a bill. She hid it from me and tried to dispute it with the credit card company going so far as to call them pretending to be me. The jig was up when she had me sign the dispute form and tried to pass it off as as something they were asking of me for some other reason. First of all, I was pissed that she was opening up my mail. When I found out the real story, I lost my shit on her then didn't speak to her for weeks. Lesson learned.
BV, Lh, Honey thank you. It seriously helps to vent sometimes especially after that payment each month. Luckily my parents know everything and try and compensate for A and let me rant.
Honey it sounds like D is in a similar situation as A all around. It amazes me what parents will do to their own kid, especially the one who actually asks for nothing and handles their own shit.
Lh holy shit. I would have flipped my lid too. After we found out about this I demanded his mom turn over the information for his private loan account (that he didnt know existed) went into all of A's bank accounts/loans everything and changed all access so his parents couldn't touch anything.
Wait, isn't signing their names on loans illegal?! Holy shit that is crazy!
I know this thread is kind of old, but I just wanted to say I'm very glad I found it. I too have my very own parental drama that boosts up my anxiety level and it helps to hear other stories. My parents got married when they found out they were expecting me and have been fighting ever since. I'm the "level-headed" middle child (older half sister) whose responsibility has always been to take care of things. My parents also thought a good way to raise me would be as their confidant, so both of them would shit talk the other (on serious, serious levels) to me since I was in elementary school. I have a tremendous amount of guilt for knowing "secrets" and accidentally getting them in trouble with each other through the years. They "stayed together for the kids", and now that they have a fairly empty nest (still financially support my 32 year old sister and her family even though they can't afford it) I don't know what they're going to do. I'm already prone to wondering what I've done wrong when my husband is quiet, or thinking he's just going to wake up and not love me anymore, but I guess having general anxiety coupled with seeing two people despise each other for 25 years yet stay together can do that to you. I'm working on having distance in my relationship with them, but it is so so hard. My mom travels for a living so my depressed father is alone for sometimes up to 2 weeks at a time and I feel like I should be taking care of him (though I know now that is not my job). She craves her independence, and he wishes he had someone to come home to and grow old with. She doesn't seem to GAF. Ugh. I just really want to parent someday as a team with my husband--I never want my (hypothetical) kids to feel caught in the middle. I'm fairly new to this forum, but I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing.
Scotch, that's so rough. I'm sorry that you've had to grow up with all of that hanging over you. It's great that you're getting more distance though I understand the feelings of guilt. You're absolutely right to take care of yourself though. Hold on to that.
These stories are all familiar to me. It's incredibly difficult to disentangle oneself from the responsibility of being the mature one. I'm the youngest of three and I'm the fixer. It kills me but what else can I do?
I have only talked to my mother a handful of times in the past three years. It's a long, sad, fucked up story that I won't get into. She's just so draining and emotionally unstable, I refuse to parent her any longer.
I have completely stopped talking to my mother. She is self centered, immature, a liar, and manipulative among other things. I do not regret it one bit. My life is so much better without her in it. I don't have any contact with her anymore, especially after she threatened to kill Bacon because she hates dogs. She also kicked my little sister's Shiba
I figure this is as good a time as any to jump in here. I've found that claiming "I need to study" has worked very well in deflecting mum (annoying as she is, she totally respects my need to get study shit done). Once I'm done with my degree in a month, I'll have the headspace to help get sell grans furniture, which she's been struggling with. My sister is doing better at helping (probably because she only has 3 months left before she can get a job) but my brother is still a basket case. 6 years to do a 3 year nursing degree??
Thank goodness my parents are at least financially responsible. My mom tries to use me as a marriage counselor sometimes, because her friends are immature, judgy snobs and she can't confide in them. It's so hard to push her away when she's obviously feeling hurt and alone, but it's not my problem that she's always enabled my dad's bad behavior and drinking. Ever since my sister and I were little kids, my parents would have all out screaming matches, my dad would storm off and go screeching out the garage in his truck, and my mom would be a hysterical mess expecting us to go comfort her. Yet when our dad took out his anger on us, my mom had no sympathy to give. It's very hard for me to reconcile the fact that my mom hung us out to dry like that on the regular, with her declarations of motherly love.
Sorry, I forgot to check back. We moved farther away from my parents and the guilt of not helping them more and being constantly questioned WHY we moved farther got me in a bigger mood. (Btw, it's like half an hour away, seriously you'd think we moved across the country.)
I just wanted to agree wholeheartedly that this is a root of the problem. Most people know these days that screaming at each other in front of the kids isn't healthy, but tons of people still do it. Especially if the kid is quite young, they think they won't remember or understand. Learning safety and boundaries of trust are exactly what babies are sponging up, but whatever. It's incredibly damaging. Also, it still counts as "in front of the kids" if it's not technically in front of them, but you can still hear slamming and yelling behind a door. I have members of my family that are continuing this into the next generation, but what the heck can I do? You would think they would remember that it wasn't fun.
Time to resurrect this thread!
What do you chickens recommend for a family that won't talk about anything?
W's family is weird. Long story short, he grew up in rural Arkansas in a pretty poor family. His dad worked overtime to help make ends meet while his narcissistic mother presented a kind Christian front to everyone while ruthlessly talking about them behind their backs. He got a job in DC right after he finished college and was then the first person pretty much ever that left the area and didn't come back. Not sure they ever forgave him for this. Before we met he was having anxiety attacks and was in and out of the hospital and his family, who talked a bunch of noise about "family being everything" not only didn't come down here to help him, but would hang up on him if he called for support because it was "too hard."
Last year, 3 weeks before our daughter was born his mom got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. His family told him that he needed to be sad and upset because his mom was sick and not enjoy his newborn daughter. His mom died in December of last year, and as we walked past the casket, W touched her hand and said "I hope you're proud of me." He's struggled for the past year, and we've even gone to counseling over it. His dad got remarried in October.
W's birthday was yesterday and his family has never come down for his bday, which upsets him, but he won't tell them this. This morning he texts me from work saying how he's about to cry because last night his dad and new wife took time off to go to a concert in another part of the state. He's super hurt, but of course won't say anything to them, so I'm left to deal with the fallout. I'm tired of these people.
He has to use his words. If they don't make efforts after that then it's a little different but he can't expect them to know they are making him cry.
I know, and I've encouraged him to do so. But because no one ever said anything to his mom, he thinks that he can't talk to him. I know his mom is dead and you would think that would make it easier, but after 38 years of not discussing things with your family I guess it's a hard habit to break.