Family: The Gift You Can’t Return

Discussion in 'The Hens' Nest' started by Scout, Jul 11, 2014.

  1. RoryGilmore

    RoryGilmore Chicken

    This thread makes me feel like I'm not alone. While it's a bummer that it had to be resurrected, I'm also so happy that it was resurrected.
    Canaligator likes this.
  2. android

    android Founding Messiah Staff Member

    @TaterTot That seating arrangement thing baffles me. WTF, it's not 1825 and it wasn't some formal Jane Austen dinner party.
    A. Ham likes this.
  3. Lh718

    Lh718 Chicken

    @Dorothygale my parents are the same way and go the extra step of setting up an long-ass reunion-esque trip to another country THEN FUCKING IGNORE US AT EVERY TURN. The only time they really talked to us was to tell us it was time for yet another posed fucking picture set with everyone's phones AND cameras. EMAIL IT TO EACH OTHER, FUCKERS.

    Me: Fucking why are you taking pictures with both??
    Mom: The camera takes really nice pictures, and we can post the phone pics to Facebook.
    Me: can take the DIGITAL photos from your camera, copy them to your laptop, and post from there.
    Mom: That's too complicated.
    Me: Okay that's dumb but whatever. So why does everyone need to do this same thing?
    Mom: So we can all have the pictures. Why are you complaining so much?

    @TaterTot That's fucked up. I feel bad for your kids if they notice.
  4. scotchbutter

    scotchbutter Chicken

    Speaking of blatant grandparent uncle is a total asshole but he has one fair point--he hates his FIL because apparently FIL had a good amount of money and instead of dividing it evenly between the grandchildren (uncle and aunt had 2 kids, aunt's sister (FIL's other daughter) had one older son) he decided to give it ALL to the eldest male grandchild because apparently that makes sense. It was super obvious to the kids since birth who was the favorite grandkid and their family struggled financially while the cousin was showered with trips and cars. Obviously no one owes anyone inheritance and you can leave your money where you damn well please but I thought it was pretty fucked up.

    In the end, I hope the FIL feels awful because that older male cousin ended up being a total loser, meanwhile my two cousins did well for themselves and the girl is definitely the favorite everything now. (She's the perfect princess FB #soblessed with her perfect little family. Totally fake and no showed my wedding but that vent is for another time.)
  5. Dorothygale

    Dorothygale Chicken

    I definitely see this happening with us too. Rooster's sister is their ~baby, and they treat her like one. She also gives in to all of MIL's indulgences, so I guess it'll be win/win for them when she has kids.
    Snack Queen likes this.
  6. My FIL is a pretty great guy, but always dates bat shit crazy women. His last exgf showed up at his house expecting to reconcile and move back in. (We don't even know how she got there because the last time we saw her, he put her on a plane and sent her across the country to where her parents live.) When he told her she could not move back in, she whipped out a knife and slashed her wrists right in front of him. He had to tourniquet her arms to keep her from bleeding to death. FIL lives in the woods in a very small town so help took a while to arrive. She's still in the hospital recovering. Things like this happen and he wonders why I don't allow the kids to visit without us. I hope she gets the help she needs.
  7. TaterTot

    TaterTot Rulebitch Staff Member

    A. Ham and shakespeer like this.
  8. Dorothygale

    Dorothygale Chicken

  9. Meatz

    Meatz Roma Basic

    @Cupcakepandemonium Lord. Yes, I see why you do not allow your children to be alone with him!
  10. It sounds so crazy. I don't know her that well even though they dated for several years. She used to show up to family gatherings wasted and act like a jackass so we stopped inviting them. I never knew what FIL saw in her. FIL told Mr. Cupcake that she blamed their breakup on us and said some pretty terrible things. I hope she recovers and gets the hell out of Louisiana.
    Why can't I have a normal family? Some days I want to cut everyone out of our lives.
  11. nym711

    nym711 THIS IS MY LIFE NOW

    One of the best decisions I ever made was to cut my mother out of my life. I still have to hear about all of antics from my sisters though. My life is so much better without her. At my little sister's wedding a few years ago, the photographer instructed her to put her arm around me. She gave me a death glare. I thought it was hilarious. She made Christmas a bit awkward for herself. She also controls my dad, so he's not allowed to communicate with me. She hates me because I don't listen to her and refuse to be controlled by her.

    I sent her an invitation to my wedding, she didn't acknowledge it, and then went around telling everyone who would listen that I didn't invite her to my wedding.
  12. NerdLady

    NerdLady Chicken

    I feel the same way cupcake. The only healthy relationship I have with anyone in my family is my stepdad, and if I want to see him, then I also have to see my mom, and that usually turns into some crap. I managed to cut my grandparents down to major holidays, and rarely speak with my mom. It's lifted a lot of stress and has whittled down all of the bullshit with my grandparents to a maybe twice a year package that I can prepare for and deal with.

    My brother is the favorite kid and I know that when they have kids, I'll be double chopped liver. I'm not sure I mind though since that means mom can focus her attention on the grandkids and will leave her less time to fuss at me for being a fat liberal who doesn't want any kids and was never the daughter she wanted.
  13. TaterTot

    TaterTot Rulebitch Staff Member

    @NerdLady Oddly enough, I feel the same way. I am thankful I'm not the focus of more unwanted attention, and I almost appreciate when my SIL is there to be a lightning rod.
  14. NerdLady

    NerdLady Chicken

    I realized how much I liked the lack of attention when my brother was getting married. I was jealous of the fact my brother and his wife got the kind of involvement from my mom that I wished I'd had, but then I also figured out "hey, she's too busy to be bothered with me so she can't fuss or complain or criticize me about stuff... nice"

    I can admit that there have been times, even in the recent past, that I've tried to have the kind of mother/daughter relationship that's healthy, and been disappointed that we didn't. I've also been kind of angry that her parents were the way they were, which probably rubbed off on her and played some part in why she is the way she is with me. But, I've also realized that she didn't have to be the way she was, is that way anyway, and I've done my mourning for the relationship we've never had and won't have. It still hurts sometimes, because some things didn't become really apparent until I got older and I'd normalized a lot of the way things were when I was younger, only to realize later that it wasn't normal. Keeping her at arm's length has been easier than I thought and has been good for my mental health.
  15. Avocado

    Avocado Still Awkward

    My middle sister is the favorite child. Growing up, my mom never missed a single one of her soccer games while I had to beg for her to look at one of my drawings and my oldest sister had given up by then. To this day, if I try to tell her something, she's only half listening and just waiting till I'm finished so she can berate me about my job, my looks, my weight, anything that's not "good enough" compared to the pretty, size 2, 5"11 and 120 lb blonde nurse that is my sister. Not to mention, my mom openly calls my sister "fave".
  16. Scout

    Scout Chicken

    Omfg I completely and utterly forgot that I wrote this post nearly three years ago AND NOTHING HAS FUCKING CHANGED.

    My sister finished her nursing, couldn't get a job for a year, got a job, got fired, and still works at Maccas. She hurt her knee in a workplace accident & needed surgery, and now her job hates her for costing the money and refuses to give her more than 2 shifts a week. She's 22.

    My brother dropped out of nursing and decided to go for the police force. Got rejected. Currently waiting the mandatory year before he tries again. He's working in a warehouse and is actually doing good, though still lives at home & is waiting for his girlfriend (psychologist) to get a job so they can choose where they live.

    And my mum is still crazy! She makes passive aggressive remarks about how she hates spending time with my sister because she's the worst (it's like shit mum she's depressed and had surgery be a bit nicer). She practically drags her to job interview and sends her job listings multiple times a day, then yells at her if she didn't apply.

    She wants to be heavily involved in every aspect of my life too - what colors we are choosing for the house, what's happening with the house, I guess grandkids will be a while away now that your house burnt down etc. she called me crying the day after the fire because she was so anxious and upset and she just wanted to help and I wouldn't let her waaahhhh. Like I didn't have enough to deal with.

    Plus she keeps tagging me in those stupid "who's getting pregnant this year" or "people having triplets this year" shit. And then gets upset when I tell her off and says that my sisters depression is making her depressed.
  17. RoryGilmore

    RoryGilmore Chicken

    When parents constantly try to mock "our generation" and how "twenty and thirty-something's just don't care about (blank) anymore," aren't they really just outing their shortcomings as parents?

    I just hate the generalizations that get thrown out every time I talk to my Dad. It's so unnecessary.
  18. Afishwish

    Afishwish Bramblebutt

    Today I was reading about histrionic personality disorder. Hi, mom!

    I'm not sure if she would actually qualify as having the disorder, but she certainly has many of the tendencies.

    Reading up on it more, I'm unsure if BPD would be more accurate.
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2017
    CoolWife likes this.
  19. TaterTot

    TaterTot Rulebitch Staff Member

    I'd just like to say that while my rooster and his BIL are on an ice fishing trip (orchestrated by BIL's brother, with whom we are close), at no point did my MIL or SIL ask to see what the kids and I would be doing with our weekend alone.

    No, I wouldn't have wanted to hang out with them, but JESUS CHRIST could they give less of a shit about our branch of the family.

    MIL sees The Christ Child minimum four times a week. (And those are just the scheduled times, nothing extra.)

    Hasn't seen our two since Christmas.

    I also found out from my mom that MIL takes pics from my rooster's social media accounts and vaguely reposts/shares them to make it seem as though she was there/she took them. Am I wrong for thinking that's totally gross and totally proves my overall point?
  20. shiba shake

    shiba shake Chicken

    I don't think you're wrong for thinking it's gross and that she's trying to make it look like she spends a lot of time with your kiddos. Also, that's sad. Just admit your bias and stop pretending!
  21. TaterTot

    TaterTot Rulebitch Staff Member

    Exactly! If you don't give a shit, don't give a shit! Stop parading my kids around online when it suits you.
    Afishwish likes this.
  22. CoolWife

    CoolWife Chicken

    Yeah, that's gross. Enlist your mom to make snotty comments on her pictures like "that was such a fun time, wish you could have made it!"
    Snack Queen, Tumnus, android and 6 others like this.
  23. RoryGilmore

    RoryGilmore Chicken

    That's extremely gross. I hate when people try to look ideal on social media when they're somewhat shitty in person.

    You should see what happens if you start putting a watermark or something on those photos.
  24. Afishwish

    Afishwish Bramblebutt

    A few months ago my mom showed up on our doorstep, crashing a visit from my ILs (who live in Chicago, so it's not a trip they can make often). Rooster chewed her out, told her never to do that again and call next time, she got pissed off and said WE are welcome ay HER house any time but she won't come again because she was SO SO hurt. We've tried really hard to make amends (which, quite frankly, is more than she deserves), but she still refuses to visit. Which makes it all worse is the fact that she made a huge deal about not wanting to miss seeing Fry grow up. Her grudge is more important than seeing her only grandchild, apparently.

    Rooster will be away on a work trip in March, and thinking his presence was part of the problem offered to fly her up to visit that week. She calls me up today saying my dad will be visiting that week, since he has such a flexible schedule (he actually doesn't, she does). She presented it like she was doing this really great thing. I'm debating whether or not to tell her how disappointed we are that she won't visit, but at the same time I don't want to trigger more drama from her.
  25. CoolWife

    CoolWife Chicken

    @Afishwish she's sending your dad to visit you and refusing to come herself? Or your dad is going to visit her which is "why she can't come?"

    So D called his parents last night just to make sure it was ok that we spend the night Saturday after the nephew's birthday party. I'm trying to put the kid to bed and I can just hear him saying (in response to Chinese, always, when it's something I might hear and have an opinion on since they're always on speaker/videochat) "No, that's not true, he loves daycare!" "NO MOM." I asked this morning and apparently they are asking AGAIN to come over once a week for a couple days and keep him home from daycare to play with him. Off the bat, we're totally on the same page here. But.. it's like they have NO CLUE that this is at all a burden or could be an inconvenience for us. To have in-laws on a weekday is a special kind of hell. Shit even my own parents - having anyone in my house on a workday sucks ass, in-laws just a little more. I have to clean out the guest room, where I always have my clothes drying, change the sheets, wash the sheets and towels, etc, etc, then make sure I have food for them... For the kid, I have to pick out and outfit the night before and say "DRESS HIM" or they will take him to the library in footie pajamas (actually happened last time). Then when they leave I have to clean all the halves of everything out of the fridge (there's literally 2/3 of an apple in plastic wrap in the fridge right now).
    Not to mention, he really does like daycare! I had to chase the little turd down to give me a hug goodbye today. They say he "needs more time with adults." 1) He has teachers at daycare (but "not enough" according to them - it's 1:4), 2) he has HIS PARENTS, and 3) actually being around his peers is better for him than being around adults who baby talk him all day. Grandparents gets special dispensation for acting like asses around grandkids so I let it go, but if they seriously think they're going to watch him 2 days a week we'd have a discussion about how they treat him. He does not need clapping and yelling and omg so much praise for doing shit he does every day.
    I just... no. I'm happy they want to spend more time with him, but he's not their child, we get to make that decision.
    TaterTot likes this.

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