Family: The Gift You Can’t Return

Discussion in 'The Hens' Nest' started by Scout, Jul 11, 2014.

  1. android

    android Founding Messiah Staff Member

    I'm also of the opinion that the adult child of whatever parent is being annoying/terrible/etc. is responsible for speaking up to curb that behavior.
     
  2. scotchbutter

    scotchbutter Chicken

    You may have already done this but I would stop responding so soon. Like when she texts and asks how baby is, maybe don't respond for like 4 hours and then when you do say something about having your hands full and sorry you're not able to check your phone as much. If she wants to text your husband all the time it's whatever, when he gets annoyed he can tell her to lay off. But there's no rule that you have to be the one responding and sending all the pictures etc.
     
  3. pinacolada

    pinacolada Chicken

    It's his mother, he should be handling her. You can figure out what boundaries you'd like, but it's his responsibility to inform her, and to present them as from both of you. You should not be the bad guy here.

    Also, you just pushed his baby out of your body. He should be bending over backwards to make you comfortable.
     
  4. TaterTot

    TaterTot Rulebitch Staff Member

    I would be annoyed by this, too. You already have a newborn -- who needs this hassle?

    I guess I'm a tad more sympathetic because it's my mom who is physically pained by not being with her grandbabies every single day, and she often asks "And how are my babies?" It doesn't bother me. She is helpful and a good listener but knows I'm psycho and doesn't cross me.

    I agree that simply delaying your reply texts might send the message. (I don't think there's a lot you can do about a mother texting her son?)

    Also, just keep in mind that everyone loses their shit for new babies, and chances are, this really will taper off naturally on its own.

    Good luck!
     
  5. whatchyagonnado

    whatchyagonnado Chicken

    If you want to me more direct a text like
    "Hey MIL, I just want to let you know we love how much you love us and C. She is so lucky to have such a wonderful grandma in her life. However, G and I are really trying to adapt to our new life as a family of 3 and the constant communication is overwhelming. I want to keep you in the loop. Can we plan a phone/text/facetime date for every W,F,Su and maybe save updates for those times? We love you and we want to make sure you stay up tod ate on C, but right now our days are filled with getting the ropes of parenthood."

    Something like that may be sugary and soft enough to be taken well and aggreeing to specific contact times would be a good compromise. Then if she texts/calls outside of that you can ignore without guilt.
     
  6. Pickles

    Pickles Chicken

    I just now realized my mom calls M "her baby" lol it's never bothered me.. I don't think my mom really thinks M is hers but all that other stuff with the furniture is crazy.
     
  7. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    That is so unfair. G needs to understand that whatever the solution is, she's going to be more receptive if it's coming from him than from you. Does he want to drive a wedge between his family and his mother? Because that's what will happen if this falls on you. Not every marriage operates this way, but I think that husbands and wives need to back each others' play. If he disagrees with you privately, that's between the two of you, but it's still his job to present a united stance to everyone else, and that includes his mother. You handle your parents and he handles his, but you both represent both of you.
     
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  8. HBC

    HBC Chicken

    I would only answer twice a day for a week, then go to once a day for a while. Then after that I would do weekly. Wean her off slowly.
     
  9. RoryGilmore

    RoryGilmore Chicken

    This was definitely my plan. I usually don't respond. Because honestly, nothing is "happening" at 9 AM. And I think I got a little pissed at G, since she went to him for info and he's quick to respond. So, she's not getting her baby fix from me, but she's still getting it. Thus, she's not developing boundaries.

    My Dad has a flip phone he literally uses maybe once a month, so my idea of parental communication is a phone call on a landline at night. And I call my Dad pretty often, since my Mom passed. But I'm a little unfamiliar with the "always in contact with parents" dynamic, and that could also be part of it.

    THANK YOU. G is a smart dude, but totally clueless as to how these things work. He's a "tell me what you want me to do and I will try my best to do them!" guy, and not a "let's brainstorm a solution together" guy. I don't like to create orders, or feel like a nag. This often leads to 45 minute arguments that just go in circles.

    At the core of it, he just does not know how to speak to his Mom about anything important. Him telling her "to back off, in a jokey way!" was a legit solution he had, and when I said it shouldn't count since it was framed as a joke, he got upset. Sigh.
    I like this a lot. And it includes a ton of points I've tried to bring up to G. This'll be my next suggestion.

    All of this is also tough, since we're both exhausted and we're on weird hours. So, talking about serious and important stuff is even more of a struggle.

    At least I can drink wine again.
     
  10. pinacolada

    pinacolada Chicken

    Use that message, but have G send it. It really will have more weight coming from him, and you need to be united.
     
  11. Tina Belcher

    Tina Belcher Formerly Wtfgia

    Major family drama. My dad moved out today and my stepmom already threw out that out of all the kids I must have known this was happening. The last thing I wanted was to be in the middle of this shit show but I guess that was kind of inevitable.
     
  12. RoryGilmore

    RoryGilmore Chicken

    Ugh. I'm so sorry, @Tina Belcher. I'd try hard to ignore it. It seems like she's really fishing for a reaction, or depending on the situation, maybe more information.
     
  13. Tina Belcher

    Tina Belcher Formerly Wtfgia

    Thanks. My sister (her daughter) is over there now and they called but I didn't answer. The texts she sent made it sound like fishing as well as reassurance that this doesn't change our relationship so I am sticking to I love them all, they are my family and I am not going to really discuss the situation. I am very close to my sister who is in turn close to her mom but I am every bit a daddy's girl and I just don't want stuff to get out of hand.
     
  14. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    That's good and totally reasonable. My parents had a complicated relationship to each other and their children, and their separation was drawn-out and exhausting. When things got ugly and they tried to vent to me (note to parents: NEVER DO THIS TO YOUR KIDS), I had to tell them, "I don't have room in my heart for anger. I'm here with love and that's all I can give or take in." Take care and be well, Tina.
     
  15. Tina Belcher

    Tina Belcher Formerly Wtfgia

    That's a great line of thinking. Thank you so much @Honey
     
  16. I'm so sorry. I went through something similar with in college when my stepmom left my dad and he would call every night devestated. I was supportive but also didn't bash my stepmom bc I loved her too and understood. After about a year they got back together and have been great ever since. Just try to be a support to your dad and stepmom as well if you have siblings or you feel like she is a good person. It wasn't nice for her to single you out but both sides will say a lot of inappropriate things they don't mean for a while.
     
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  17. Canaligator

    Canaligator Barbie Police

    My parents got divorced when I was in college. One of my friends who had been through this advised me to say to each that I loved them but if they shit talked the other parent, I would hang up. Did so, it never happened again.
     
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  18. Tina Belcher

    Tina Belcher Formerly Wtfgia

    This is all really fantastic advice. Thank you everyone.
     
  19. TaterTot

    TaterTot Rulebitch Staff Member

    This is where I vent about my in-laws. Deal with it.

    Last night, my SIL texted my rooster about his plans for me for Mother's Day, and if he wants to get together with their mom.

    The fuck? It's over a month away. Get off our jock. We don't plan actual holidays this far in advance.
     
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  20. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    I'm not sure what makes her think you want to spend your day watching D's parents fawn over the Christ Child in the first place.
     
  21. A. Ham

    A. Ham Chicken

    MTE Honey.
     
  22. NerdLady

    NerdLady Chicken

    My grandmother (the one I don't like) is also already on the Mother's Day rampage. She's the Most Important Mother and we must all treat her as such.

    I'm busy on whatever day she expects this grand celebration.
     
  23. I'm so glad my family is dysfunctional and doesn't give a shit if we get together on holidays. Barely speaking has its perks.
     
  24. deet

    deet Chicken

    Do people make Mother's Day plans with their moms after they've had kids on actual Mother's Day? Like, I am a mom now, this holiday is ABOUT ME. You had your 30+ years in the spotlight, back off.
     
  25. CoolWife

    CoolWife Chicken

    I call my mom. But my husband is kind of a dick about it. "You aren't my mom."
     

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