Hello, strangers. I thought it was time to come back and let you all in on what's been going on and where I've been. I went over the river, though the woods, into the pit, and off the deep end and stayed there for about a month and a half. I have an addictive personality, which means I'm an addict, will always be an addict, and will always struggle to not be an addict. Spoilers; I really screwed the pooch on that. See, since 2014, I'd been addicted to pain pills. Oxycodone and hydrocodone were my favorites, but I'd take whatever. Things got bad, but not so bad that it didn't take almost 5 years for anyone to notice. Went to an out patient clinic for 4 months and couldn't pass drug tests so I got kicked out. Went along lying to everyone for another year that I was totally fine (things were not fine) until I finally admitted to me that I had a problem. I was miserable. Nothing brought me joy anymore. So, back to the program, finally feel like there might be some hope after all, get booted out again due to a clerical mix up where I wasn't billed enough and now owe $600, which I don't have, so rapid taper it is. More misery, more pain, continue on for a few more months... enter meth. Yes, this is going that direction... I'd done it before when I was younger, but doing it so deep in my other mental health stuff meant that it didn't take long for psychosis to hit. Within 3 months, I was shooting up. I ended up in the hospital after almost dying thanks to poor life choices (urine was brown, and I mean dark brown) and because I stopped giving a shit and almost ended up in the behavioral unit... The irony was not lost on me that the time I wanted to get in, they wouldn't let me, but the tine I dont want in, is the they want me to go.... J didnt want me at home, who could blame him, and the rift that had already been growing cracked open and he filed for divorce. So now, I'm a recovering, soon to be divorced, addict. I don't blame anyone but myself for what happened. Yes, people did take advantage of me in ways they shouldn't have, and in more than one way, but I'm not ready for the conversation yet. Things got really bad and really dark really fast. I have been raped. Some of my nerves and muscles will never be the same again because they've been damaged beyond repair. I'm still waiting to make sure I don't have hep C or some other disease. I'm alone for the first time in a decade and I wonder why I did the things I did. I still still cant wrap my head around the fact that I went in the hospital on August 13 and now its October 12. A lifetime has passed in 2 months... I am still paranoid. My legs and arms are swollen, sore, scarred..from now on, other people are going to know I was an IV drug user. I did all this damage in a month. Most people think I've been shooting for years... I'm adjusting to my new life, whatever that means for me now. J and I try to be civil, but there's part of him that hates part of me and we can barely speak. I don't think we ever will again. I fucked up guys, big time, but I cant undo it. My feelings aren't where they should be so I dont feel like I've mourned the death of my marriage and what could have been. We were just planning a trip.. Part of me doesn't want to face it because I dont want to face myself. I also dont want to have to face yet another stressful situation while sober. It's too easy for me to relapse and I dont have the support I need yet to get through it. That was a long way of saying that I want to come back to the boards so I'll have something to do, but be patient with me... sometimes I'm still a little delusional and dont make sense, but I'm getting there.