Ooops I married a douchebag

Discussion in 'Klassy Brides' started by Honey, Oct 21, 2012.

  1. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    I can't figure out why she's so torn on whether to marry this guy. She needs to cut her losses and move on.

    http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/guy-wants-to-marry-me-and-im-freaking-out-please-please-help

    Aquababes March 12, 2013

    Hello all,



    I know it's difficult to say anything without hearing both sides of the story but please I need some advice.



    There is this guy I’m seeing for the last 4.5 years. We met on a trip through mutual friends and fell in ‘love’ almost instantly. Later on I came to know that he was still writing love letters to his ex while he was sleeping with me and after that he used to flirt on the phone with another woman. I confronted him about these escapades and he had promised me never to repeat such behaviour. I think he has kept his promise.



    He also made mistakes in career decisions, as a result of which he doesn’t have a stable income, although he is 30. He basically lives off his parents and wants to marry me and make me live off his parents, too. If I argue about it, he calls me greedy and materialistic.



    He started his own law firm with zero experience and made me his partner ignoring my protests, promising that he would take care of my financial needs (I have a huge student loan that I’m paying off). Later on he reneged on that promise because he never earned enough. Even now he claims he will take care of finances (I’m teaching part time and it’s not possible with my income to maintain a family plus pay my loan). When I ask him how he plans to do this, he becomes defensive and abusive.



    He has mistreated me time and again in the past and yet whenever I have complained he said he’s working on the relationship and it’s me who has impossibly high expectations. There are times I lose my patience and say something mean to him for which he stops calling me for days until I call him at least 150 times. Yet, he calls me anything he feels like, because he didn’t mean it – because in his heart he has nothing against me.



    He has ruined every occasion for me – be it the New Year or my birthday or Valentine’s Day or whatever…he has never (not exaggerating) cared enough to fulfil any of my expectations from him. Whenever his parents have been around, he has essentially treated me like an outcaste and even called me his mother’s ‘maid-servant’.



    His parents have discussed marriage with mine, but always in a high-handed and arrogant manner, which, coupled with his lack of an income and irresponsible nature, have disgusted my parents so much so that they don’t even wish to enter into a dialogue with his folks. But they (my parents) are very supportive towards me and respect my wishes and are going ahead with the preparations for the wedding nonetheless.



    The other day my boyfriend informed me that his father has asked me to move to his place (we live in different cities) and register our wedding in court, following which he will throw a reception. My parents are welcome to attend the reception, but there will be no further talks of a wedding between the two families. My boyfriend thinks this to be a good idea. He wants me to be subservient to his parents. But he doesn’t even try to win my parents’ approval and complains endlessly about how his folks have accepted me open-handedly but mine have not accepted him.



    Yet, every time we talk he tells me that he loves me a lot and can’t imagine life without me. He has even gone to the extent of saying he won’t marry anybody but me. When he says such things, I can’t help but think if I’m short-selling him and ignoring someone who is truly in love with me because of my own unreasonable nature.



    It would be really great if you can offer any advice because I’m really freaking out here. I’m totally paralyzed and can’t move forward in either direction. Please help?
     
    bookgirl14 likes this.
  2. HBC

    HBC Chicken

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    What? Why is she even considering that?
     
  3. redredrose

    redredrose Chicken

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    Is this real life?
     
  4. megatron

    megatron Wordsmith Staff Member

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    How sad that she needs to ask what to do in this situation. I also wonder what culture/religion he may be as it sounds a bit like one where women are less valued and considered a servant or "sub-species".
     
  5. redredrose

    redredrose Chicken

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    Middle eastern?
     
  6. Apples&Oranges

    Apples&Oranges Chicken

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    I got the impression that they might be Middle Eastern too. I feel bad for this girl. While it would be obvious for us to say "run away!" clearly her mind has been manipulated and she doesn't even know which way is up anymore. Good for her for at least questioning it, but hopefully she has the courage to do something about it.
     
  7. VannaWhite

    VannaWhite Freshly Hatched

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    If you're using quotations around the word "love," then I think you have your answer. Jesh.
     
  8. W&C

    W&C Chicken

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    She sounds at the end like a victim - wondering about her own unreasonable nature. And seriously; where does she live? 1521? Parents don't news to get together to arrange marriages anymore!
     
  9. kthom

    kthom Cute Food <3

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    Welcome!
     
  10. lrrr

    lrrr Role Model

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    Arranged marriages still happen in some cultures. My Pakistani friend from college "met" his wife through both of their parents. When they started "dating," it was with the intent to get married down the road. He comes from a very traditional family though.
     
  11. kthom

    kthom Cute Food <3

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    Yeah, one of Patrick's coworkers went to India for a month to visit his parents and when he came back to work in Dallas he was like, "sooo yeah, I'm married now". He doesn't even really know the girl. They are married now though and she's trying to get her visas set to come to America.
     
  12. Blahblah

    Blahblah Quitter

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    There was a girl at work who was dating a (very Americanized) middle eastern man. He went home to visit family for a few weeks, came back and broke up with her because he was set to be married. Apparently the families had it all worked out and he acted like there was nothing he could do about it. It was pretty traumatic for her.
     
  13. Apples&Oranges

    Apples&Oranges Chicken

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    I had a very Americanized professor who had an arranged marriage as well. It was working out great for her. She was one of my favorite professors too.
     
  14. Fitz

    Fitz Leslie Knope Monster

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    I can't imagine. In relationships, you wonder about being cheated on, or replaced by a more attractive woman... but not whether he'll come back married after visiting his family!
     
  15. ejs

    ejs Chicken

    Re: Ten Reasons Why My Fiancé Is a Loser

    holy shit! That's awful!
     
  16. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    This is sucky. When they disagree, he reacts by deviating from the issue at hand, huffing off and shutting down. She seems like she's got a good grip on communication and problem-solving, except that she dumps her problems on her teenage daughter when she needs support. Poor kid.

    The TL;DR version is that she needed his help in taking care of an errand for her hospitalized mother, but rather than saying whether he could help her, he argued that it shouldn't be her problem at all. That's not really taking care of the issue at hand. He ended up walking away and shutting himself in his office to avoid her. Her daughter saw the argument and was angry at stepdad for being so argumentative. The Bee says that he always blows her off and accuses her of "attacking" him when they disagree. Then she gets to the crux of the issue: he's much younger than she is an makes no effort to relate to her issues with her aging mother. I'm kind of surprised a single mom with a teenage daughter would put up with these immature shenanigans.

    http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/...nd-tired-stressed-longish-bear-with-me-please

    Today my DH and I made plans for a date night tonight - dinner & a movie. My teenager is off to her father's for the weekend. I've been majorly stressed out with my mother's illness (she's 88, fell on Dec 22nd and broke her upper arm, had surgery the next day & developed a circulation problem in that arm, then had a stroke the next morning which was Christmas Eve. My holidays were a blur of hospital, now rehab and I'm it - no sibling help) and I was really looking forward to tonight.

    When I got home I explained to my husband that we needed to get a special recliner from her home to my mom's rehab facility tomorrow. I asked him if he thought we could do it together or should I ask his dad to come help with a larger truck and manpower. Instead of answering my question, he started arguing that the facility to should provide her with a recliner. When I told him I tried that route, he kept saying it wasn't right that we should have to bring hers from home. This is an $850 power lift chair - the facility doesn't have those and she needs it for her circulation. All I needed from him was a yes we can do it or no, call my dad to help us. His solution to this conversation was to walk off to his office and close the door. My daughter was sitting here listening to this and was mad at him for behaving this way. I ended up calling his dad and setting up a time for him to come help me tomorrow. Problem solved but without husband's help. This is what I would have done if I was single.

    After my daughter left, I went in to him and told him I didn't need to be treated this way. I needed help with one thing concerning my mother and he couldn't just agree to do it. He wanted to continue arguing that the rehab center should provide the chair, which is useless to me solving the problem at hand. I'm angry that this is the example of communication he showed my daughter. She has plenty of examples of bad behavior from her father and frankly, she expects better from her step-dad. So do I. I can't talk to him about my mother's condition or how I feel about all that because he says all I do is complain. Maybe this is where the age difference comes in - his parents are only 10 years older than I am so facing issues with an aging parent is so far off his radar...his eyes glaze over when I try to talk about what I'm facing.

    Now I just want to go away for the evening. I'm thinking of taking myself to a movie and sleeping at my mom's house. I told him I was walking out this time. I'm tired and depressed. I've been working hard (I own my own business on top of everything), I'm stressed about my mother, not only her current condition but what lies ahead regarding her living arrangements, selling her house etc. - it's all on me to take care of- and this is the second fight we've had recently in which his answer is to just walk out to "cool down". Actually, that's always his response. When I tell him how I feel, I'm always wrong - I "attack" him, or I don't let him speak or I don't say things correctly. Sometimes I'm ready to give up. I used to be able to talk to my mom about this stuff but obviously that support is gone for me too. If I didn't have my daughter there are times I'd like to just disappear. Thanks for reading.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2016
    bookgirl14 likes this.
  17. kthom

    kthom Cute Food <3

    Douche alert. Poor kid. I hope the daughter recognizes that that is bad communication.
     
  18. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    Apparently it's dickhead husband night on the Bee.

    She's mad a her husband for his verbal and emotional abuse and blaming the victim, but she's posting so much woe-is-me crap that even the other Bees can't help but blame her too.

    http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/he-left-me-no-idea-what-to-do

    starrynight says:

    The Bees respond with sympathy, but point out that she's started several threads over the last few months about their fights, their marriage ending, and the verbal abuse, but she refuses to leave him or do anything about it. Then she starts angling for sympathy in a way that's so ridiculous and sarcastic I want to slap her.

     
  19. HBC

    HBC Chicken

    7 Principles calls that stonewalling. It means certain relationship death.
     
  20. HBC

    HBC Chicken

    Re: Apparently it's dickhead husband night on the Bee.

    Oh dear.
     
  21. android

    android Founding Messiah

    Re: Apparently it's dickhead husband night on the Bee.

    I saw that, too. She has so many drama threads going back nearly a year that maybe the Bees are just desensitized to her crazy.
     
  22. ejs

    ejs Chicken

    what an unsympathetic loser.
     
  23. Vespidae

    Vespidae Antagonist Staff Member

    What an asshole.
     
  24. Vespidae

    Vespidae Antagonist Staff Member

    Re: Apparently it's dickhead husband night on the Bee.

    Sooo.... she left a puddle of muddy water on the floor or table or wherever, and when he asked her to clean it up she called him abusive? Gee, I wonder why he took off. :roll:

    It seems to me like she's just saying all that "woe is me" crap because she knows actual abuse victims internalize the negativity and is expecting sympathy, but even the bee's aren't buying it. A new internet low!
     
  25. Fitz

    Fitz Leslie Knope Monster

    Re: Apparently it's dickhead husband night on the Bee.

    Yes, you are a bad wife. Is that what she wants to hear?