Shit Roosters Say

Discussion in 'Free Range' started by Fitz, Oct 10, 2013.

  1. Fitz

    Fitz Leslie Knope Monster

    We need a funny thread with things that our life-partners say to us (or just dudes in general, cause they're pretty fucking funny some of the time).

    I told B "I'm wearing my boots tomorrow! It's the first time this fall!" He replied, "You're wearing your boobs? When did you take them off?"

    (It really doesn't take much to make me laugh).
     
  2. Lh718

    Lh718 Chicken

    The other night, we were cuddling on the couch, and I said I should go take a shower before I got too tired. He said, "Take two of them! They're small!" Unfortunately, I heard, "Take two, hon. You smell." Ouch.
     
  3. Blahblah

    Blahblah Quitter

    This is going to be a good thread....
     
  4. deet

    deet Chicken

    The dude I'm married to is always putting these one liners out that crack me up -- sometimes he doesn't even know it.

    When we were just married:

    Him - "I can't believe we're married."
    Me - "Why?"
    Him - "Because you used to have a big crush on me in high school. And now you're my wife. And I'm banging you."
    Me - ...................

    The other day at the movies:

    Him - "You know that guy that has puppets?"
    Me - "Jeff Dunham? Yea."
    Him - "That guy that walked by? LOOKED LIKE ONE OF JEFF DUNHAM'S PUPPETS!"
    Me - ...................

    God, it sounds like I am married to a 10 year old. But really, he's a giant goofball.
     
  5. android

    android Founding Messiah Staff Member

    Can't remember if I've told this story on here but w/e: right after R and I started dating, we were hanging out at his place just talking. I guess we were talking about something emotional (can't remember what) because I started crying (not sobbing, just a few tears) He got really quiet and is just sort of staring at me, and he whispers reverently "It's just like a music video!" meaning the tears making my mascara run. He was so in awe that I couldn't help but laugh.
     
  6. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    Me: I just read that it's been discovered that African elephants instinctively understand what it means when humans point. They're the only animal to do this without any kind of training. I find it strange that no species of ape can do that.

    D: Or no species of ape that has discovered that they can control elephants by pointing.
     
  7. HBC

    HBC Chicken

    Dogs can! I saw it on a documentary about dogs versus wolves!
     
  8. bluevalentine

    bluevalentine Statler or Waldorf

    HBC, I saw that too! Very cool. Lolz at D's observation.
     
  9. gimmeoatmeal

    gimmeoatmeal Chicken

    Him: There's just so much conflict between departments. Which is why we're going in early tomorrow for a meeting. Gunna just nip it all in the butt.
    Me: You do know it's "nip it in the bud"....right?
    Him: Wait, what?
     
  10. kthom

    kthom Cute Food <3 Staff Member

    Awww, he's a bee!

    Here's an old one, but me and his mom still tease him about it.

    Him: isn't it weird that cotton comes from sheep and plants?
    Me: .....
    Him: what?? ........ Oh....
     
  11. bluevalentine

    bluevalentine Statler or Waldorf

    O mixes up words all the time, but I feel bad making fun of him since he's foreign and all... but not THAT bad.

    He used to pronounce hippopotamus as "hippo-po-TA-mus". There's a pharmacy chain called "Shoppers Drug Mart" around here, and for a long time he kept calling it "The Druggers Shop Mart." He used to get "chicken" and "kitchen" mixed up which resulted in some really odd sentences. I can't think of any more at the moment.
     
  12. Lh718

    Lh718 Chicken

    Oh man we both do this. Sometimes it's whole words, but most of the time it's syllables. Last week, I told him if he was so tired he needs to take more bitamin V. The other day, he told me something sucking fucked at work. Lots of lols in this relationship.
     
  13. virgo

    virgo Chicken

    the druggers shop mart sounds way better. :lol:
     
  14. bluevalentine

    bluevalentine Statler or Waldorf

    virgo, he'd agree. He says it makes way more sense, because pharmacists are like "druggers".
     
  15. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    It makes sense. Didn't pharmacists used to be called druggists?
     
  16. chalupa batman

    chalupa batman Chicken

    I'll make fun of myself for a second. My husband has an English degree, and I am an Auditor. So, I am not exactly the best with words all the time, and he is a grammar nazi. One time I said, "Well, if it is any constellation...." Yeah, that was probably four years ago and he still makes fun of me.
     
  17. lrrr

    lrrr Role Model Staff Member

    Ack, I do this all the time. :oops:
     
  18. HBC

    HBC Chicken

    My rooster coughed lightly in the next room and then I heard these terrible choking/gagging noise. I went in to check on him because I thought he was sick, but he was just standing there. His explanation? "I coughed and it reminded me of Gollum so I croaked a little."
     
  19. Seymour

    Seymour Chicken

    :lol: My husband is an auditor, too, and does the same. exact. thing. It's adorable!
     
  20. Vespidae

    Vespidae Antagonist Staff Member

    Me: I've decided that instead of midterms tomorrow I'm going to run away. Forever.

    Rooster: Okay, but feed the cat first.

    :lol:
     
  21. virgo

    virgo Chicken

    R is sick today. we went to target and as we were coming back to our apartment he says "i'm dyyyyying" and he sounded exactly like cameron in ferris bueller.
     
  22. Lh718

    Lh718 Chicken

    A couple of caveats: my husband is not racist but is obviously quite inappropriate at times with the humor, and our dog is the biggest asshole in the world to everyone not in her circle of trust.

    P talking to the dog: Aww poor puppy. Nobody likes you. It's because you're black.
    Me after overhearing it and turning slowly to look at him: o_O
    P: Well people don't like black people sometimes.
    Me: o_O
    P: You know I don't really think that. About her or black people.
    Me: o_O
    P: It was just a joke! I was just being stupid.
    Me: o_O
    P: It was a stupid joke, okay? I'm just stupid.
    Me: o_O
    P: Alright. I'm just gonna shut up now.
     
  23. android

    android Founding Messiah Staff Member

    This isn't something he said, but something he did. I just bought some crayons that can be used to draw on the wall in the shower, thinking we could leave each other cute notes or doodles, and this is what I came home to:

    warning NSFW

    [​IMG]

    It's practically life sized, it takes up the entire wall!
     
  24. Lh718

    Lh718 Chicken

  25. HBC

    HBC Chicken

    What is male figure holding? Is that supposed to be a peen?
     

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